A few months ago I had a milestone birthday that seemed to be a little harder to celebrate than others for me. It caused me to pause more than usual, and I actually found myself in a bit of a conundrum.
An important person in my life pointed out to me that it seemed I was caught in a place of regrets for some things in my past, and fear of the unknowns in my future.
Regrets of the past, and fear of the future: not a healthy place to live recovery in. It’s a place where self-judgment, shame, and anxiety thrive.
I have come to realize that my life in recovery is best lived in the present moment. This is where the things that I want most of all are found.
In the present moment I have:
1. True connection to the people in my life, grounding in the things that give me purpose, joy, and fulfillment.
2. A sense of gratitude for what life in recovery has given me which are freedom, peace, and happiness.
3. A chance to slow my racing thoughts, lessen my anxiety, and manage my depression. It is a place where I can best listen to my body to hear what it needs.
4. A quiet confidence in Providence, close friends, and myself that no matter what, I can trust that I will always have what I need, that I will be surrounded by the strength and support that life calls for, and that just for today I am enough in the here and now.
5. The striving for perfectionism is less, and the eating disorder chatter in my head to achieve and prove my worth is silenced.
So Happy Birthday to me!! I am choosing to stay right here in the present filled with the gifts that my recovery has granted me. No regrets of my past, or fears of my future to crowd out the living I want to do in my fulfilled life today!
Kelli Evans is an alumni of Denver ERC and serves on the Recovery Ambassador Council. She enjoys hiking, reading and spending time with her husband and 2 children. Kelli’s passion is to offer hope and encouragement to those seeking recovery from eating disorders.