November 29, 2017

Slow Suicide - Katie DeVries

eating disorder treatment financial assistanceI wrote this when I realized what the eating disorder was doing to me — and what it had taken from me — even though I still felt so "attracted" to it at times. The eating disorder was taking my life from me and I am no longer going to allow that to happen.

Slow Suicide
My E.D. tells me so many lies
When really it’s just slow suicide.
Ed said, You will finally be skinny; pretty enough for a husband,
Maybe even children will follow; your own happy dozen.
You will have stature; respect in society;
Being thin will cure your social anxiety.
Doctors will listen because health you achieved;
Your physical symptoms finally believed.
You will no longer be annoying, ugly, or boring;
Instead you’ll be worthy of love and adoring.
Directors will cast you in parts in their plays;
Costumes will fit without fat in the way.
The community will respect your work and profession;
The advice you give will never be questioned.
Your Depression and OCD will finally abate,
Because you achieved Ed’s magic weight.
My E.D. tells me so many lies
When really it’s just slow suicide.
My E.D. stole my life and my fun;
My E.D. isolated me from everyone.
My E.D. gave me deep seated fear;
My E.D. kicked my OCD in high gear.
My E.D. filled me with guilt and with shame;
My E.D. convinced me I am to blame.
My E.D. stole my concentration;
My E.D. made food my constant fixation.
My E.D. filled my brain with numbers and labels;
My E.D. kept me from family filled tables.
My E.D. deepened the pit of despair;
My E.D. steered me away from my values, faith, and prayer.
My E.D. tells me so many lies
When really it’s just slow suicide.
What worries me most is Ed’s lies still attract;
Because the numbers on the scale, they did subtract.
My thoughts, they turn to Ed’s dark whispers;
My brain it succumbs to Ed’s magic elixir.
I was called attractive and noticed and praised;
I was good at weight loss, the people amazed.
I bought clothes with tags that finally read small,
Doctor’s referred to me as “tiny” once and for all.
My E.D. tells me so many lies
When really it’s just slow suicide.
I want recovery and I want to be thin;
But the two seem impossible to simultaneously win.
I just cannot beat the battle raging in my mind;
Self-hatred builds with each bite, control left behind.
Hopeless, Despair, and no way out;
Paralyzed, stuck, and filled with self-doubt.
Eat and lose, don’t eat and fail;
Why do I give so much power to the scale?
I am tired of fighting, my body and mind battle worn;
I’m scared of the feelings this fight has born.
My E.D. tells me so many lies
When really it’s just slow suicide.
I know I can't win this battle alone;
I’m thankful for my supporters praying me home.
My fellow soldiers who inspire me to bravely press on;
As they work to conquer Ed’s lies with power so strong.
My team that continues to encourage and teach;
That recovery is possible, it's just within reach.
I look to recovery out on the horizon;
And pray that my tired mind, it will soon wizen.
I want to desire life here on earth;
I want to believe I’m a person of worth.
Giving God back control to lead the fight;
Believing His purpose, His plan, His might.
I’ll rely on the team Gods put in place;
To help me finally win this race.
My E.D. has told me so many lies,
But I won’t allow it to be my slow suicide.
eating recovery foundation testimonialMy name is Katie DeVries. I was blessed to attend Eating Recovery Center of Washington on two occasions. I was blessed to receive financial support from the Eating Recovery Foundation. This allowed me to stay in treatment so I could continue my healing. I write about the journey to recovery because it helps me map out the battling thoughts in my mind while also helping to explain the complexity of Eating Disorders to others. The Eating Disorder voice is both seductive and devastating. Often times it was hard to differentiate the ED voice from my own. Poetry is one way I am able to do this. In sharing these poems it is my sincere prayer that through these words, others can experience a glimpse of hope. I continue on this journey each day but I do believe recovery is possible, it is just within reach.

This picture was taken by Katie at Maydenbower Beach in Bellevue, WA.
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