Anxiety, Depression & Coming of Age as a Dreamer
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Mario Gonzalez moved to the United States when he was only three years old as the son of undocumented immigrants who followed seasonal harvests up and down the West Coast. As a result, his childhood was filled with constant change, insecurity, & financial stress.
Determined to build a life of greater stability, Mario chose to focus on school and finding a legal foothold in the US. His path has been one of bravery, heartbreak, and determination.
Today’s episode - in collaboration with the podcast I Know Lonely and non-profit Only 7 Seconds - explores Mario’s upbringing, how he manages clinically diagnosed anxiety and depression, and what empowers him to stay present as his legal status remains unresolved.
Transcript
Ellie Pike:
Mario Gonzalez grew up with an ever shifting definition of home.
Mario Gonzalez:
So I was born in Mexico and I was brought over to the United States when I was three years old. My family were immigrants, so the work that was available to us was mainly in agriculture.
Ellie Pike:
Criss-crossing farmlands from California up through Washington state. Mario's family worked long hours in the field doing what it took to bring oranges, apples, and cherries to Americans around the country. Despite the importance of his family's labor, they were hard pressed to build a lasting future in the United States.
Mario Gonzalez:
The thing that was very important for us was trying to find money for the next day or the next month or the next year, and it was a constant battle to figure out where we're going to find food and where we're going to find work. But I saw something else and I didn't want to struggle and I didn't want to go check to check.
Ellie Pike:
Seeing the never ending struggle of migrant work, Mario chose to focus on his education. Now poised at the end of his college career, graduating with a communications degree. Mario is here to share his story with us. We'll discuss the forces that shaped his identity as well as dig into how he manages anxiety, depression, and keeping hope alive as he graduates into a world that may or may not allow him to stay in the United States.
This episode was made with our friends at the nonprofit, Only 7 Seconds, who produce The I Know Lonely Podcast. So in addition to listening to Mental Note podcasts, allow me to welcome you to, I Know Lonely, I'm your host, Ellie Pike.
Mario Gonzalez:
Moving around a lot made it difficult for me as the youngest to feel like I had a say or I felt neglected. And I think it was primarily because in my family's eyes, if you didn't make money, you didn't add value. And that's really hard because I mean, I carry that still today. It's something that I, it's still really hard for me to break out of.
Ellie Pike:
So the message you took away was that your worth is tied to working and making money and providing for yourself.
Mario Gonzalez:
Yes.
Ellie Pike:
Sounds like a lot of pressure.
Mario Gonzalez:
Yeah. And being the youngest, I was the one to really focus and apply myself to school. That was a lot of the reason why I was different in my family because when my parents or my brother or my sister, they looked at me and were like, "You're wasting your time with school and you're not working. You're not doing anything. You're just playing football. You're playing games and trying to do all these other things." And for me, I saw something greater. I mean, it's not like they had bad intent to put me down, but it was just that survival instinct of, we need to make money and you aren't. So, that was really hard and it was very lonely.
Ellie Pike:
And when you say that you saw something greater in respect to putting your mindset into school, what did you see?
Mario Gonzalez:
I saw an opportunity to move forward in life that didn't require you to break your back for it. And it was hard to see that because in my family's eyes, that was a cop out of you're lazy and you don't want to work. You don't want to put in the hard work because you don't want to be in the fields, right?
Ellie Pike:
Well, it sounds like you and your family all value hard work. You just have different perspectives of what hard work looks like. And so I really commend you for figuring out what that looks like for you and for pursuing school. And you're studying communications, which is really amazing because it can open up so many avenues. And I know you're only 22 and you have a lot of directions you could take. So, thank you for sharing that piece of your story.
Mario Gonzalez:
Of course.
Ellie Pike:
I do want to go back. What was life like in middle and high school? Sounds like you were playing football, but what did... If I saw a 15 or 16 year old Mario, what would it look like?
Mario Gonzalez:
I think middle school Mario was trying to find his worth in a whole lot of things, and I think he just wanted to find a space to call his own and to be noticed I think was a big thing. And I think that that happened through a lot of just negative ways where it led to drugs and it led to just very bad behavior. Yeah.
As I transitioned into high school or into middle school and high school, I started to just invest my time more in school and trying to figure out where I belong in that aspect. But around eighth grade, when I was 13, my mom passed away from a stroke. And that had a really big impact in my life. I mean, she was the glue to my family who brought us together. And then when I lost her, it started to become a solo journey for me is what I would describe it to be.
I always knew that depression was a thing, but I didn't know what it looked like for me to have it. And then in high school I got a very bad concussion, but this concussion kind of ended my football career. And then it also put me in a situation where I lost my identity in who I was, which was the football player in high school. Around that same time where I got my concussion, I got diagnosed with anxiety and depression.
Ellie Pike:
Can you describe what depression felt like to you?
Mario Gonzalez:
Depression felt like if someone were to just smother you in a gray cloud, a very dark gray cloud. And the thing about depression is that sometimes you recognize that this is happening and you can't explain why. Depression feels like you're sad, but why are you sad? Why do I feel this way?
Ellie Pike:
And what happens to your motivation when you feel depressed?
Mario Gonzalez:
You don't have any motivation. You don't want to do anything. You don't even want to be happy. Something that's really real for me is that I didn't want to be happy. I didn't want to be uplifted or I didn't want people to make me laugh or smile. I didn't want to be around anyone. I didn't want to do anything. I wanted to just lay down, go to sleep, not go to school and not do my homework, not be with friends. For me, that was really hard because I had a big personality in high school, but I wanted to hide the fact that I was depressed. So I did it and I did it well.
Ellie Pike:
What was the reason that you felt like you had to hide, that you were feeling depressed and lonely?
Mario Gonzalez:
I think I didn't want to explain myself. I think that's one reason. And then another reason is I didn't want to look weak and I truthfully didn't have anyone to tell it to.
Ellie Pike:
That sounds really hard and really lonely. So, how did you find a glimpse of hope in the midst of such isolation and such loneliness?
Mario Gonzalez:
Before finding hope, I think I repressed a lot of my feelings, but I, thankfully found a really good friend. And actually I think my friend found me. Her name's Evelyn, and I was at this coffee shop and she came up to me and started to talk to me about just inviting me to church. And I was like, "I don't like church. No, that's not where I want to be." And that invitation was the start of a really powerful journey with God, and that is really hard to explain and a whole new light in my life.
I started to feel like I was in a community and I think coming to Faith was an opportunity to find other people that wanted to listen to you, that wanted to listen to where have you been and where are you going and can we help you get there?
Ellie Pike:
Thank you for sharing about that piece in your journey. And I know that it's so much more deep than what you can explain in a couple minutes, but it sounds like a really powerful experience. And I also am curious about the ways that you've tended to your mental health. So how do you do that? Now, to maintain a place of steadiness, which doesn't mean that you never deal with depression or anxiety, but how do you take care of yourself?
Mario Gonzalez:
When I got diagnosed, I went on medication and I was on medication for about a couple months. I didn't feel like it was the right fit for me. It made me numb and it made me not the Mario that I wanted to be. So I leaned off it, got off it, and then started to meditate and try to find calm and peacefulness and all of those things through meditation. And when I found God, that became prayer and it became a conversation to God about my anxiety and about what I felt and what I was going through.
Ellie Pike:
I'm so glad that you've been able to feel that sense of deep friendship and comfort that comes with feeling loved and accepted and you have a safe place to land. It's really incredible. And Mario, as I was reflecting about your story and just how you are doing an amazing job of managing your mental health the best way that you can, it also dawned on me we haven't really jumped into your immigration status and what that feels like to you to live with. And so maybe we could jump into that a little bit and share,, first of all, that you one, have DACA status. Can you start with explaining just what that means and what DACA is?
Mario Gonzalez:
It stands for Deferred Action of Childhood Arrival, and when Obama was in office, it was referred to as Dreamers and what it is, it means that when you were a child, your parents immigrated into the United States and basically you had no choice to just follow. So, it provides an opportunity for people that came here not by choice to have some kind of work authorization and also some kind of status. It's not a residency and it's not like a citizenship thing. It just says that you are a person that came here illegally as a child and now you are able to just stay here.
Like I said, it gives you an opportunity to work. So when I was in 2019, I got my DACA for the first time, and that was really cool because up to this point I wasn't able to work, which is a big deal. I start working and I start making money and paying for taxes and doing all these things legally now. And around 2020, I had to renew my DACA and was unable to because of, I mean Covid and who knew that there was going to be a pandemic and stuff?
DACA has kind of had its ups and downs in the government of people trying to take it down or whatever the case is. That adds a level of anxiety into my life. I don't have the ability to have a say in what happens to DACA or not because I'm not a citizen, I cannot vote. So DACA now has been in limbo for the last year and I still don't have the ability to work. And that is a lot of anxiety because once I'm out of school, I mean, you kind of get thrown in and now it's about finding your own way. But what is really unfortunate is that I can't even have that opportunity to do so.
Ellie Pike:
When you talk about it, my heart goes out to you. I mean, this sounds so hard, and yet you still hold hope and you want to continue your education and you want to pursue a career. So, how do you handle living with an underlying anxiety or stress about just not knowing? What's the best way for you to manage this on a day-to-day basis?
Mario Gonzalez:
I try to stay present. I try to stay in the moment. Sometimes it's really hard to do that when this cloud or weight is on you, but it's really important for me to take each moment and each day and make the most out of it in order to be present and take advantage of the opportunities that I have, the beautiful life that I have and not let my future or my past rule my life right now because I'm not in the future and I'm not in the past. I am right now where I'm supposed to be thanking God for each moment that I wake up and I get to breathe and walk is another way to minimize the fear and anxiety.
But at the end of the day, I get this unbelievable hope that everything will be okay, that I have an amazing community around me to hold me and support me. And I have a beautiful girlfriend in my life that holds me accountable. She keeps me steady. She is here for me and her family's amazing, and I have all of these amazing, wonderful things in my life that I get to count. I don't let my future ruin that for me because I have this moment right now and that's all that matters.
Ellie Pike:
It sounds like you have an incredible ability to just realize the power and control you do have within your own mind where you might not be able to control these external circumstances, but you can control your perspective right now in this moment. So I'm curious, what happened to your perspective that you were taught about your worth being tied to your ability to work, and how do you view that now a few years later at age 22?
Mario Gonzalez:
I still deal with it. I still struggle with it, and I think I will forever have that in the back of my mind. I hope that I work towards not letting that be my identity in who I am. I'm not valuable because of what I do, but I'm valuable because of who I am. I am a curious, outgoing person that wants to tell stories and be behind a camera, and I have my own way of viewing the world, and that's okay. I am worthy of everything and I can be who I want to be.
Ellie Pike:
I'm so glad that you can take in those words that you are worthy. And Mario, what do you wish that the general population knew about Dreamers or immigrants with DACA status?
Mario Gonzalez:
That it's a real struggle. It sounds really weird to say, but that it's a real thing that is happening and that it happens to a lot of people. There's a lot of Dreamers in the United States, and they're all just trying to find a way to belong and achieve their goals and move on with their life, and I think that's something that isn't talked about a lot.
Ellie Pike:
Well, I'm grateful that we get to have your voice be heard and to share just one perspective of many, but absolutely, I can only imagine how many ways you've been judged or misinterpreted or misunderstood, and I'm really grateful to hear that you continue to share your story despite the judgment that is out there.
So Mario, as we finish our interview, do you have any words of encouragement for our listeners or anyone who might be struggling with anxiety or depression?
Mario Gonzalez:
Yes, I do. I want to say that you're not alone, that there's other people around you that love you and care for you. You are worthy because of who you are. You are an amazing human being, and you have a story to tell and to encourage others.
Ellie Pike:
Well, thank you, Mario. It is a pleasure to get to know you and a little bit more about your story. And if we wanted to follow along with you, where could we find more about Mario and where you're connected?
Mario Gonzalez:
Yes, so I am, I'm one of the storytellers for season one of, I Know Lonely for Only 7 Seconds, so you can find me there. I'm one of the storytellers and I talk about who I am and a little bit more about my story that I shared today. You can also follow me on Instagram and just try to take pictures and create stuff so you can follow me @mariogonzalez.co.
Ellie Pike:
People are often so much more than the circumstances they get caught up in, and Mario is no exception. He's kind, inquisitive and creative, and I am so grateful he decided to share his story with us today. If you would like to follow along with Mario or find out more about his story, you can look him up as one of the storytellers for the I Know Lonely Podcast. Also, check him out on Instagram. His handle is @mariogonzalez.co. We'll link to both of those in our show notes. Like I said at the top of the show, today's episode was created in concert with Only 7 Seconds, a nonprofit addressing loneliness by encouraging and empowering individuals and partners to connect with others who matter in their lives. Learn more at only7seconds.com/resources.
Thank you for listening to Mental Note Podcast. Our show is brought to you by Eating Recovery Center and Pathlight Mood and Anxiety Center. If you'd like to talk to a trained therapist to see if in-person or virtual treatment is right for you, please call them at (877) 850-7199.
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