Parents Make All the Difference
Mental Note is available on Apple Podcasts and Spotify or wherever you get your podcasts. Search for Mental Note, and subscribe so you never miss an episode!
Check out our podcast, Mental Note. In celebration of Father's Day, we sit down with David Bachman the father of two boys, one of which began a battle with anorexia nervosa at age 12. His story illuminates the role a father can play in recovery, the importance of self, marriage, and family care, & how discovering a “new normal” is critical for long-term success.
We often deal with firsthand stories on this podcast and what happens when a person finally decides to tackle that seemingly unsurmountable journey towards health. But what about the people who walk alongside that person in struggle. Where’s their story?
Well, on today’s episode, we’re taking the opportunity to celebrate Father’s Day by talking with a pretty amazing dad. David Bachman is the father of two boys, one of which began battling Anorexia Nervosa at age 12.
His story illuminates the role a father can play in recovery, the importance of self, marriage, and family care, & how discovering a “new normal” is critical for long-term success.
Transcript
Ellie Pike:
We often deal with firsthand stories on this podcast and what happens when a person finally decides to tackle that seemingly insurmountable journey towards health. But what about the people who walk alongside the person in struggle? Where's their story? Well, on today's episode, we're taking the opportunity to celebrate Father's Day by talking to a pretty amazing dad. Meet David Bachman. He's the father of two boys. One of which began battling anorexia nervosa at age 12. And heads up, we're keeping his son's name private so that he can decide when and where to share his own story. I've known David for a while now and have always been impressed by his sense of calm in the midst of chaos. As David and I chat, he'll illuminate the role of father plays in recovery, the importance of self, marriage, and family care and how discovering a new normal is critical for long-term success. You're listening to Mental Note podcast. I'm Ellie Pike. Well thank you for being here. I'm excited to share your story with our listeners. But you know, this is a special father's day episode. So I wanted to just slow down and just start with, what's it like to be a father?
David Bachman:
You know, being a dad is incredible. My wife and I were married seven years before we had children. Thankfully we were lucky enough to plan that. We loved having our time together, traveling the world. And then it came down to the fact that we really wanted to start a family. So we had our first son, three years later we had our second son. We are in Missouri, in St. Louis. Both our boys have been born there, which has been interesting since my wife and I are East Coasters. But it's been a great place to raise kids. And now our oldest is in his second year at university, and our youngest is at junior in high school.
Ellie Pike:
Awesome. Yeah. If you could guess at how they would describe you as a father, what do you think they would say about you?
David Bachman:
They would probably say the more levelheaded one. I think things through before I maybe lower a boom on them.
Ellie Pike:
That's probably helpful.
David Bachman:
I have high expectations of them in order to make good choices in life, follow rules and be respectful of others.
Ellie Pike:
I think you're also really fun. You guys take a lot of vacations.
David Bachman:
We do. We have a lot of fun. We really do. We always try and weave in a trip to Europe at least once a year. Last year we went to Marbella Spain, which was phenomenal. And we try and really do some really good things, cool things. Expose the boys as they are growing into young men into the world.
Ellie Pike:
In David's family of travel, laughter and consistent activity, a concerning series of behaviors began to present in his youngest son while vacationing in Florida.
David Bachman:
Our vacations up to a specific spring break of 2013 were pretty much a cake walk. Then we were down in Florida for spring break and we were noticing, out of the blue it seemed, our youngest son really didn't have an appetite. He wasn't hungry. We as parents, we just sort of chalked it up as a then 12 year old emerging adolescent. Then we started noticing during the vacation that he had all these scratches all over his arms. And we couldn't figure out what was going on. And so finally we said, "Hey bud, what's the deal with the scratches?" And he said, "Oh well, I was in the surf and I got rolled over by some waves and the shells cut me up." Which would make a lot of sense if you're on the Atlantic side of Florida. But when you're in the Gulf of Mexico, there really is no surf unless there's a storm and then you're not in the water to begin with. But we just said, "Oh whatever, it's not a big deal."
Ellie Pike:
Right. And he was a 12 year old boy right, so you're just kind of like, "Oh, okay, whatever."
David Bachman:
Yeah, he was energetic doing his thing and, really his activity wasn't much different than years past. Looking back the difference was, he wasn't putting fuel in his body. There was no energy, there were no meals. When we got back to St. Louis, we brought him to a child psychologist because of... We had some intuition maybe that the scratches on his arms were from maybe something else or... So when we brought our son into the psychologist, our son was with him for about 15 minutes. Psychologist came back and said, "You know, you have a bigger problem. Your son is cutting. And also he is restricting and purging all his meals. And you need to see a eating disorder therapist."
Ellie Pike:
What were your emotions? You're watching your son go through emotional distress and try to cope, but what were your emotions?
David Bachman:
At first there was a lot of confusion, anxiety, 100% denial. This is ridiculous. How can he not eat? How can a, soon and be at that point 13 year old boy, really have an issue with food? Who has issues with food? And then anger crept in because we were actually planning a trip to Europe, to Sweden. And our therapist said to us, "You cannot take him to Europe." And I said, "Well, my family's from Sweden. He's going to know people. He's used to the food that's there. It's really not a big deal." And we went against her recommendation and we went to Sweden, and it was a complete disaster. I don't know how he didn't end up in a hospital in Sweden because of his lack of intake, constant purging, of course, hydration. [crosstalk 00:06:14] he wasn't there at all.
Ellie Pike:
Wow. And that sounds scary when you're away from your treatment team.
David Bachman:
It was very scary. And we had an active schedule because we, after we visited family in Sweden, we went and visited friends of ours in the Netherlands. So we were pretty active going back and forth on our itinerary. But it became very evident to us. I remember when we were then back in Denmark in the Copenhagen airport, and we were trying to get him to eat something for the journey home and you could just see how exhausted he was, how weak he was, and his just lack of any desire to enjoy life for the trip he just had. And we knew when we got stateside, we would have to make some decisions for a higher level of care.
Ellie Pike:
As a parent I feel like, to not be able to provide those basic needs for your child would be so scary. And so asking for help became your next step.
David Bachman:
It did, yes. And it was scary, and it still remains scary. But at that point in time, there was so much we didn't know.
Ellie Pike:
Right.
David Bachman:
We were really flying blind, no pun intended, because we're getting in an airplane. But seriously, we were uneducated on eating disorders, even though we had a thumbnail sketch of it. We did not know how to recognize signs, symptoms and how to provide the necessary support that he would need.
Ellie Pike:
And then you learned, and you... I feel like that's part of this process. You were constantly learning just the same way that he was.
David Bachman:
Yeah. As a parent in this journey, we're still learning. And back then though at a point... It came to a point where my wife and I looked at each other and said, "There's so much we do not know here. And there's so much we have to learn. And we have to do that before we can even help our son. How can we help our son be successful? How can we guide him through the treatment teams? How can we make the best decisions as his guardians for treatment, if we don't even know what we're making decisions on?" And we also looked at each other and said, "This is going to be a long haul for us as husband and wife. We're not quite sure what that's going mean, but it's something that's not looking pretty pretty at the moment. So we need to really focus on our relationship and our strength and ensure that as husband and wife that we're always in tandem, we're communicating, we're not fighting, we're not contradicting each other." And that became sort of this mantra that we, my wife and I, have lived with for us since I guess June of 2013.
Ellie Pike:
Wow.
David Bachman:
Yeah.
Ellie Pike:
How do you do that? How do you balance that, these crisis moments with working and having another son and then also taking care of yourselves in your marriage?
David Bachman:
It's a lot of not getting caught up in emotions as best as you ... one can. I mean, there are times when I'm just wrapped and there's no getting out of it and my wife recognizes it and she moves in, and vice versa. It's also always taking a step back before I react.
Ellie Pike:
I think that that's important for our listeners to hear. Because oftentimes my experience with family members is, "Well, you know, I'll worry about me later. I really have to worry about my kid first." And I like what you said about like, "How am I supposed to help my child be healthy if I'm not healthy." And really perpetuating that and really practicing it. I think that's the important part. Seems like a practice.
David Bachman:
It is a practice. And I don't know why my wife and I recognize that out the gate. We do, as individuals and as a family and just as people, we try and live a healthy life and always take care of ourselves. But of course there's times where, whether it's work or any other scenario in life, where you bench that and you park it, and you put yourself aside and you put yourself care aside and things you like to do aside. And we decided, in this situation, if we are not only mentally healthy we have to be physically healthy. A lot of the self care sometimes is, my wife and I aren't together, because one of us has to be with our son. I mean we enjoy going out to dinner or going to a movie. Not that we do those things individually, but those are things we save together.
Ellie Pike:
So how did David's family have to alter their lives? So now I want to jump into understanding your son's treatment experience and some of what you all learned. And I know it's not been a linear experience. He didn't go to treatment, come out and be totally fine. It's been a long process and learning experience for you all. So can you just kind of give me a brief overview?
David Bachman:
There were no resources for us at that point in time as parents to reach out and identify decision making criteria for treatment centers. We literally pulled up a Google map and boom, there was our decision. We learned, when he went through a residential, that even though it's a very reputable and good treatment center, their model just was not going to meet his needs for treatment. So he really had a really arduous, hard experience. Very daunting for us as parents to see him constantly flip between residential status and in-patient status and going nowhere really fast in his treatment.
Ellie Pike:
Which means he was getting 24/7 care, lots of supervision. And then you guys, as the family, were being involved in that process, right?
David Bachman:
We were involved in the process, but it was so chaotic because we as parents couldn't understand why he wasn't getting better. Why wasn't he moving through the treatment program and preparing to step down? It seemed that all he was doing was, his eating disorder was just getting stronger and stronger and stronger. He wasn't moving with any progression whatsoever. So we stepped him down to a local PHP program in St. Louis that did take, just on the PHP level, adolescent boys. I think he lasted there for about three weeks before he had to be medically stabilized in a local children's hospital.
Ellie Pike:
What was that like as a parent to then watch your child just keep going through treatment center, treatment center, and then still need medical stabilization?
David Bachman:
We felt completely helpless and lost. We felt that there was... We did not know what to do. We did not know where to turn. We did not know even how to help him other than to ensure he was being medically stabilized in a hospital. So once he was in that children's hospital in St. Louis, we then backed up, my wife and I, and said, "Okay, we really need to apply the due diligence to our decision making criteria and really vet the other treatment centers that are out there that accept adolescent boys." And that's when we found Eating Recovery Center, Endeavor. Mostly what ERC's integration for children, adolescents of residential and inpatient unit as one. So there's no disruption of service and help for the child if the child should move back and forth between those different levels of care, because they're all integrated into one. And that was so critical for us.
Ellie Pike:
And how did ERC involve you in the treatment process?
David Bachman:
ERC involved us from the get go. From the day that our son was admitted to the day that he stepped down into PHP. We had weekly interactions. Since we were in St. Louis ERC was in Denver, course law that was over the phone. But it was weekly interactions with his team, including his therapist, his dietician, his medical doc. Also, there was daily updates that we were able to get through the nursing team on the unit. If there was ever any question we had, anything we needed, there was never a time that that was not answered, and answered thoroughly and professionally.
Ellie Pike:
So what are some of the skills specifically that you and your wife learned?
David Bachman:
We really had no insight into what those skills were until we attended a family days. Actually, I remember it was early December of 2013 and our son was still in the residential unit in Denver. And we went to family days and there was a presentation by Dr. Easton where she was explaining the whole PHP program for ERC. And not only was all the content impressive, but all of a sudden there was a section called parent programming and parent training. And my ears went up and said, "Wow, that's something new I even heard before." And then when she broke it down and explained how parents are going to be trained in FBT. How parents are going to be trained in meal planning. How parents are going to be trained in recognizing signs of relapse and tools for relapse prevention. And then going through PHP, and going through that parent training or parent programming is what gave us the ability to create our new normal once we returned home.
Ellie Pike:
And when you say new normal, what does that mean to you?
David Bachman:
New normal for us was changing how we as individuals and as a family live our life. Prior to our son being diagnosed with his eating disorder and going through his treatment journeys, I think we were probably typical dual income household. Two kids, two kids in schools, two careers. Dinner, boys at the center island on maybe something microwavable. My wife and I wrapping up conference calls and then us eating after the boys were in homework [crosstalk 00:17:16] or something else.
Ellie Pike:
So it was a little more fluid and flexible.
David Bachman:
It was fluid, flexible. There was nothing organized. Of course, we always ensured our kids had the best care. They were always where they needed to be.
Ellie Pike:
Sure. Right.
David Bachman:
But we also had a social life, my wife and I. So there were many times where weeks would go by and then as a family, we never really did anything together as a family unit.
Ellie Pike:
When families approach treatment as a team, it can mean seismic shifts in their day to day reality. To get a better idea of what's involved when families sign on to be a part of the recovery process, I spoke with Dr. Elizabeth Easton, one of the clinicians who worked with David's family,
Elizabeth Easton:
I'm Elizabeth Easton. I am the National Senior Director of Child and Adolescent Services for Eating Recovery Center.
Ellie Pike:
So let's just start with FBT. So David references FBT and how influential it was for him to feel equipped. What does FBT stand for and what does that really mean for a general family?
Elizabeth Easton:
So FBT is family based treatment. What it really means is that the parents are brought in to become the agents of change. Then it's not seen as the providers are the experts, but the parents are the experts. And they bring in the providers to support their work with their child in helping their child move through the recovery process.
Ellie Pike:
And that takes a lot of work and a lot of time for families, right? And they, as David mentions, he really had ... he and his wife both had to really dedicate their time, their meals to being with their son. So how do you equip a family and really teach them that process?
Elizabeth Easton:
So the work is to become first the behavior coach. So to recognize that your child is overwhelmed, they cannot make healthy decisions for themselves at this time. It's not their fault. It happened to them. But the parents can really be the agents of change to help the child move towards change. So helping them interrupt behaviors, learn to meal plan, learn to support meals, both emotionally and behaviorally. And after meals, in between eating times when the child can be very overwhelmed. How to provide emotional support there as well. It is a huge commitment.
Ellie Pike:
So what are some signs of relapse that families could look out for?
Elizabeth Easton:
I think the first one is retreating. The child no longer being willing to sit at the table to eat. Making excuses for where they're going after eating. Weight loss is a major sign. So making sure that you're following up and getting weights on a weekly basis, if not a few times a week basis to ensure that they're maintaining their weight. Looking for any other ways that the child might be avoiding emotions in general. So we see eating disorders as a way to manage emotions. It's really the mismanagement of emotion. So when they're overwhelmed, when they're stressed, are they able to talk about it? Are they able to verbalize what they're going through or do they start to retreat and hang out in their room more? Or, on the other side, exercise more? Seek out ways to burn calories? So really looking at how are they managing emotions and is it a way that is healthy and remaining connected to people or are they retreating away from others and away from themselves?
Ellie Pike:
So I think that you hit on a really important topic about learning new healthy coping skills. And so what are some of the ways that you teach families to teach their loved one or their child better coping skills for dealing with emotions?
Elizabeth Easton:
So the first one is to get out of the blame game. That it's nobody's fault that they're in this place. To really validate the emotions that are coming up. So both for the child, the fear, the helplessness, the shame even that comes up for kids and really adults as well with an eating disorder. For the caregivers to recognize that in themselves also. That they have fear and helplessness and shame in this work as well. To recognize that, to talk about it, to work through it and to help their kids be able to talk about it openly as well. That is just part of the process. So validation, both us as providers validating the parent and the parent validating their child is huge. Stepping in and limit setting and shaping behaviors is very important for the parents to do for the kids until the kids can do it for themselves. So they can start to recognize, "I feel overwhelmed. I want to use this behavior. What could I do instead?" Or, "Who can I reach out to, to avoid going back into the autopilot of using eating disorder behaviors?" So I think the validation piece and then the behavior piece are two of our main focuses for them.
Ellie Pike:
David's family has constructed a new normal for themselves. They've made adjustments to eat their meals with their son, create stability at home and be more mindful of changing routine. But life is always bound to change, so how do they prepare?
David Bachman:
At that point we definitely recognized through our parent programming and training the type of protocols and organization we had to have at our house. And that really meant, really with my wife and I, starting to really manage our work better than we were before. Really prioritizing our family without deprioritizing our work. Really ensuring that, when we did travel, that there was always a parent home. We would not rely on a third party or nanny or any family member or anything like that.
Ellie Pike:
That's a lot of sacrifice.
David Bachman:
It's a lot of sacrifice. It also meant a lot of sacrifice in our social circles. Our social circles really changed. And those changed for many reasons. Changed because there were friends of ours that became toxic to us because they did not understand what we were going through. They felt our son just had some weird problem and he would grow out of it. People like that we sort of said, "Nice to know you, best of luck in your life."
Ellie Pike:
Wow, yeah.
David Bachman:
We minimized events, social things that my wife and I would do without our kids and created events, things, time. Whether it was games at home, movies at home, interaction, whatever it may be where we truly had a family unit. And it became the four of us together at all times outside of school and work and so forth.
Ellie Pike:
So you mentioned that treatment also taught you about boundaries and how to handle even social media. Can you speak a little bit to that? Especially because your son was growing up as a teenager. So you've watched him through this process for the last, I don't do math, five years.
David Bachman:
Yes. Exactly, yes. It's been five years. Yes, social media sort of knocked us on the back of the head. Because when he went into treatment at ERC, of course I had his phone. And I started going through all his different social media apps that he had. And I was astonished on all the toxic connections he had through the different platforms. For people that were pro eating disorders. People that provided calorie counting counseling.
Ellie Pike:
Wow.
David Bachman:
It was amazing what we found on his phone.
Ellie Pike:
And what about exercise? Did he...
David Bachman:
Oh yes, there were exercise apps that he had that he would use at night when he was at home and we were asleep. Because I could see the logs and they were at 1:00 AM, 2:00 AM in the morning and we were sound asleep. I changed all the passwords on all the popular social media apps and had complete control of it. I also went through all those connections and did a massive delete.
Ellie Pike:
And did you always feel confident as a dad making these choices and kind of creating these boundaries you'd never really done before.
David Bachman:
One of the infinite things I was trained on as a parent is limit setting, and how critical limit setting is. It took me, and even my wife, three times too long and three times meaning, three relapses to finally understand the limit setting that you cannot return to your sport. Because your sport is a huge trigger. And for three years over the three different relapses, the ERC teams recommended to us, "You cannot return back to sport. You cannot return." And he was a diver in his high school. "You cannot go back to that sport. And you need as a parent, you need to take that stand and draw that limit." Well the first two times we found excuses. Well he completed a very successful PHP program and whole treatment stay at ERC. He's home, he's in recovery, he's doing awesome. He's making it through the summer. Dive is ramping up in August. Let's test it and see how he can do it. And if he maintains his weight, then hey, he's beating it. And then of course, two months later, massive relapse. Need to be medically stabilized. Relapse. Return to ERC. The second year. Again, he finished a successful program at ERC. Was doing really well upon his return home. And we thought what a great incentive it would be if he could prove that he could dive and not relapse.
Ellie Pike:
Right.
David Bachman:
And I could just imagine what a therapist might think in hearing what I just said. [crosstalk 00:27:13]
Ellie Pike:
But I understand as a parent. Because you... It sounds like you were seeing his hard work.
David Bachman:
Correct.
Ellie Pike:
You wanted to reward him [crosstalk 00:27:18] and also let him do things on his own.
David Bachman:
We did. Exactly. We wanted him so bad to return to his life. And that's why it's so critical as parents to be conscious of your decisions and listening to your therapist and listening to your treatment team. And, but you as a parent are the one who's responsible for executing that on behalf of your child.
Ellie Pike:
And one thing that sticks out to me in my conversations from you from the past are, the balance or maybe the transition from you making all of these decisions and setting limits, to seeing him start to make some decisions on his own that are recovery focused.
David Bachman:
I would say, when I compare where he is today, where he was the first time and the second time, this is the very first time I see him choosing recovery.
Ellie Pike:
What's that like?
David Bachman:
And it's incredible as a parent to see that, and as a dad. I'm a little scared to really believe it and trust it. I do my best not to let him see that. But internally, sometimes it's so frightening because I could think, "Hey, I've been fooled twice." His last treatment stay, he was 16 going on 17, which I think was a metaphor from the Sound of Music. But in any event, he was 16 going on 17. So I think he was a little more mature and he was able to understand his life values and all that he lost as an adolescent. And that he hasn't been an adolescent. His high school years have been at ERC in Denver.
Ellie Pike:
And did you come up with your values individually, or as a family or?
David Bachman:
We did individual values, then we discussed our values and then we created, which is so cool, a family crest of values.
Ellie Pike:
What were some of them?
David Bachman:
They were respectfulness, honor, truthfulness, responsibility to each person and each family member. Happiness, love, all the things that I think he really didn't have anymore as a person and then also as he looked at us as a family unit. So building that family crest and having him be in charge of building that family crest [crosstalk 00:29:51] when all as family are working together.
Ellie Pike:
And working together.
David Bachman:
To me I look at that, and that was this pivot point, this turning point in his acceptance of wanting recovery. And even today, now 15 months later, he still respects his values. And they're his life values. I mean, he just finished his junior prom. He is driving. He's being responsible with his snacks and meals. He has had definitely some struggles. And we're, I think, further down the road as parents to recognize when we start seeing those struggles over meals or meal choices or a portion, but he communicates with us.
Ellie Pike:
Well, let me ask you, what do you think it is about what you did to foster the relationship where he wants to come to you? Was there any magic trick that you did or any advice to other parents about how to foster that relationship?
David Bachman:
What I tried my best to do is, never have my son think I lost belief in him. Even at his darkest and hardest moments. And that we were always there for him. Even times when I was really angry that he relapsed again and I really didn't want to go down the hospital and see him, I never let him knew that. I had to process that myself. So when I showed up, he always saw that I was there to support him, believe in him and love him.
Ellie Pike:
You've really been a beacon of hope for him. And I'm curious, what has kept the hope for you, even when you've been angry and even when it's become hard?
David Bachman:
That beacon of hope has been, we can and he can most importantly, beat his eating disorder and live an incredible, wonderful life that he is destined to do.
Ellie Pike:
So you just believe it.
David Bachman:
We just... We believe that he could do it. And we believe that it's not going to be perfect. I'm not going to believe there might not be another relapse in the future. But I will believe... But I do believe that he will be able to get to the point where he could live without his eating disorder.
Ellie Pike:
Thank you so much, David.
David Bachman:
You're welcome.
Ellie Pike:
I think that this is going to be hopeful and helpful for others.
David Bachman:
Oh, thank you.
Ellie Pike:
The major takeaway I see in David's story is how highly active he and his wife chose to be in their son's recovery. Life definitely didn't stay business as usual. They gave up vacations, redesigned work schedules, adjusted their level of parental involvement and spent significant time and money ensuring that recovery worked. However, the payoffs were even bigger. The family collectively dug deeper into their values and reasons for living. They found support in an extremely challenging time and they have a son who is fully on the road to recovery. He's even getting ready to go to college out of state and launch into a life that he never thought possible. Thanks for listening to Mental Note podcast. Our show is sponsored by the incredible work of Eating Recovery Center and Insight Behavioral Health Centers. They are the team responsible for training David's family on how to support their son through recovery, and they're here for you and your family if you're battling with more than what you can handle. To talk to a licensed counselor and to see if treatment is a good idea for you, call 877 411 9578. Today's episode was produced by Sam Pike, edited by Meredith Turk and Erica Prether and I'm Ellie pike. Also, we recently began accepting recovery letters from listeners, and I'd like to end today's episode with one from Lauren Hill. You can also send us your own recovery letter at [email protected]. Have a happy Father's Day.
Speaker 4:
Dear Dad. When I think about who my biggest supports have been throughout my recovery process, you are one of the first people who come to my mind. I know that this journey of recovery has not just been my journey, but it's been your journey too. I know that my struggle is one that you do not understand, but still you have always tried to anyway. I know it has been frustrating and confusing for you to watch me struggle with my eating disorder over the years, but thank you for never giving up on me and always helping me remember what I've been working towards. There are so many things that I want to say thank you for. Thank you for staying in Denver for weeks with me after I was admitted to treatment, to make sure that I settled in and to make sure that I would be okay. Thank you for always reminding me that I am beautiful, even when it is hard for me to see it myself. Thank you for reminding me that I am loved, even when I have felt that I was unworthy of love from anyone. Thank you for sitting with me through the hard times and celebrating with me in my moments of Victory.
Without you and Mom, I would certainly have not made it to this place of strong recovery that I find myself in now.
I love you so much.
Love, Lauren.
