How to Help Someone with an Eating Disorder: 16 Tips

September 2, 2020

Eating disorders impact entire families. If you have a loved one who is struggling with an eating disorder, like anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder or ARFID, life as you knew it has been turned on its head. Every member is bound to struggle with this new reality and how they fit into it.

The tips we share below can help you navigate these difficult times so that you can provide support as well as implement the self-care you will need in the days, weeks and months ahead.

How to help someone with an eating disorder

1. Know that there are no quick, easy answers.

If your loved one is to recover, the entire family system will need to make some changes in perceptions and behaviors. We encourage you to take advantage of professional help to make these transitions easier. We also invite you to join our free ongoing caregiver eating disorder support groups where you will learn how to best support your loved one.

2. Allow yourself to not know all of the answers.

You are no less of a father, mother, sibling, or partner because your loved one is struggling – you are human. There are many individuals, groups, books and other resources that can help you gain a better understanding of eating disorders.

3. Do all you can to help your loved one get into therapy.

Be supportive and give empathy to your loved one, and firmly insist he or she enter therapy with the goal of healing a very severe illness. If your loved one is over 18 and refuses therapy, consider working with a therapist yourself, with the goal of increasing understanding to continue to support your loved one until he/she is ready for help. A therapist will also help you set healthy boundaries for yourself and also bring insight into how to not enable your loved one to use eating disorder behaviors.

4. Avoid getting involved in discussions or arguments over weight, food or eating.

If you become concerned about dehydration, weight loss or other issues, call your family therapist, if you have one, or request a session with your loved one and his or her therapist and voice your concerns there.

5. Understand and acknowledge certain behaviors.

If your loved one is food shopping or cooking for the family, realize he or she might be using this nurturing role to deny his or her own needs for food and kindness. Become active in showing your care.

6. Please take care of yourself!

Do not become a martyr or let yourself or the family revolve around the eating disorder. Do not neglect fun, other family members, friends or personal goals due to this problem.

7. Help them build a sense of competence and responsibility.

Allow your loved one to take responsibility for the reality of their words, actions, decisions and behaviors.

8. Increase physical and verbal expressions of love in the family.

Identify the most appropriate ways to show affection and be honest about feeling angry, frustrated and powerless. By sharing feelings, all family members grow closer, even though people will feel and think differently about what is happening.

9. Check to make sure you are hearing each other accurately when discussing subjects and feelings.

Share your concerns with each other and with others in your life, as appropriate. Keeping secrets does not help the situation.

10. Practice good sense – do not talk about weight loss and diets.

Take an honest look if you or other family members are engaging in dieting and exercise. It will be hard for the individual dealing with an eating disorder to try to change thoughts about weight loss and the importance of appearance when significant others are reinforcing the importance of weight loss and thinness.

11. Recognize your loved one for qualities/achievements independent of their appearance.

Sharing what you appreciate about your loved one can support their development of a sense of self that is secure, unique and less subject to changing fads and fashions.

12. Avoid power struggles over gaining weight or stopping binging or purging.

The eating disorder will always win. Try calling a "cease-fire" and substitute time together in shared activities. Take time to "play" together. This will improve feelings on both sides of the battle and help you develop new ways to relate, rather than relating around food issues.

13. Do not try to manipulate.

Avoid statements like, "you are ruining the family" or "just give this up for me." The person with the eating disorder is not responsible for you or the family. Each person is responsible for his or her own happiness.

14. Let your loved one know that you are available for emotional support.

If you have difficulty doing this, you may want to seek help for yourself in order to learn new ways to develop intimacy with family members. We often reproduce in our relationships with others what we ourselves learned in childhood.

15. Do not ask, "Are you better?"

This is a loaded question and suggests the person with an eating disorder should hurry and get well so everyone else can feel better. Judge progress by, "Is he or she more aware of feelings?" - "Is he or she thinking and behaving more realistically?" - And, "Is he or she less critical of himself or herself?" Eating is only a symptom of the underlying concerns.

16. Realize at best your loved one is probably ambivalent to give up their perceived "safe and secure" rituals of disordered eating.

These rituals serve a coping mechanism and it will take time to develop new, trusted patterns.

Eating disorder help is available

You will have many questions and moments when you are unsure how you can help your loved one. Above all, we want you to have hope. People can recover from eating disorders. To learn more about eating disorder treatment at Eating Recovery Center, please fill out this form or call us at (866) 622-5914.

Find more eating disorder family support resources here and read more about supporting your loved one here:

Eating Disorders