As a mom who supported my daughter through her recovery from an eating disorder, I’ve learned so much.
Supporting someone with an eating disorder is not about “fixing” the situation, and it’s okay not to have all the answers right away. Ultimately, it’s about being there — being present, patient and understanding — and finding that delicate balance of caring for yourself too.
Here are some of the most important lessons I learned, along with ways to look after yourself and resources to build on the support you’re already providing your loved one.
7 lessons I learned supporting my daughter with an eating disorder
My daughter’s recovery came with many challenges, uncertainties and tough decisions. Yet along the way, I discovered what made the biggest difference for her and for me. Here’s how to support someone with an eating disorder.
1. Remember that patience is critical
Healing doesn’t happen overnight, and that can feel frustrating. But remember that progress takes time, and setbacks are learning opportunities that are part of the journey. Allowing space for your loved one’s recovery to happen at its own pace, rather than rushing things, makes a big difference.
2. Listen more than you talk
It’s natural to want to “fix” things, but what helped my daughter most was when I started listening without judgment. Giving your loved one space to share their feelings helps them feel heard and validated. Sometimes just being there is the most powerful thing you can do.
3. Support, don’t control
It’s understandable to want to manage every part of your loved one’s recovery, but they need to feel empowered in the process. Believe in them and their treatment team. You can also take an active role by educating yourself, offering support based on treatment recommendations and asking questions if something doesn’t feel right.
4. Set loving boundaries
Sometimes tough love is necessary — especially around behaviors that could enable the disorder, such as allowing harmful eating patterns to continue or tolerating negative talk about body image. You can be firm with your loved one while also demonstrating compassion and understanding.
5. Don’t blame yourself
Eating disorders are complex, and many factors — genetic, psychological and environmental — can play a role. If you’re the parent or caregiver, it’s important to recognize that you didn’t cause the eating disorder, but you can be your child’s biggest ally in treatment and recovery.
6. Remember that consistency and routine matter
Structure can help when it comes to rebuilding one’s relationship with food and self-care. Creating predictable routines around meals, rest and therapy can help reduce anxiety and give your loved one a sense of safety and stability in an otherwise chaotic time.
7. Understand that the road to recovery is not linear
There will be ups and downs, and sometimes things seem worse before they get better. Recognizing that setbacks don’t erase progress can help you remain hopeful and realistic. Trust that progress is happening, even when things are tough.
How to comfort someone with an eating disorder
If you feel overwhelmed or unsure about how to help someone with an eating disorder, know that you’re not alone. Caring for someone with an eating disorder can be emotionally and physically exhausting at times, and it’s okay not to have all the answers. Take a breath. Here are a few helpful suggestions.
Educate yourself
Eating disorders are complex mental health illnesses, and they often involve deep-rooted feelings, thoughts and behaviors. The more you understand them, the better you’ll be at supporting your loved one in a way that is compassionate and informed.
Don’t pressure or criticize
Provide nonjudgmental support, listen and validate your loved one’s feelings, and remind them they are so much more than their eating disorder. Small gestures — like asking for their advice, offering random compliments (unrelated to appearance, weight or exercise) or talking about things they love — can also take their focus beyond recovery.
Stay in it for the long haul
Recovery is a long and winding road. Celebrate small victories and remind your loved one that even if progress is slow, it’s still progress. Your consistent presence can mean more than you realize.
Find time to take care of yourself
Supporting a loved one who is dealing with an eating disorder can take a toll, so make sure you find ways to recharge. Engaging in something that brings you joy for even 10 minutes a day can make a difference.
10 ways to care for yourself while supporting your loved one
When helping someone with an eating disorder, it’s easy to put your needs last. That’s why I always come back to this quote from Mother Teresa: “To keep a lamp burning, we have to keep putting oil in it.”
Balancing both of your needs can feel like walking a tightrope, but if you don’t take care of your mental, emotional and physical health, supporting your loved one becomes even harder. Here are 10 ways to prioritize your well-being.
1. Set boundaries
It’s easy to get consumed by the emotional demands of supporting a loved one — especially if they don’t want help. Establish limits on how much emotional labor you can give in one day and take breaks during difficult moments if you need to.
2. Build a support network
Caregiving can be isolating, so having people in your corner can help provide support, advice and encouragement. Whether it’s friends, family or a support group, leaning on others — especially if they know what you’re going through — can be a huge relief.
3. Create time for movement
Physical activity can help with stress, improve mood and provide an emotional break from caregiving. Try doing something you enjoy, whether it’s walking, yoga, dancing or stretching. Even 20-30 minutes a day can make a difference.
4. Practice mindfulness
Mindfulness reduces stress and helps you manage difficult emotions more effectively. Try spending five minutes a day deep breathing, meditating or using a guided app like Headspace, Calm or Insight Timer to help reset your mind.
5. Make sleep a priority
Lack of sleep can exacerbate stress, impair judgment and lower your resilience. Try establishing a routine to wind down before bedtime and aim to get at least seven to eight hours of sleep at night
6. Nourish yourself
Your focus may be on your loved one’s relationship with food, but remember that it’s just as important for you to eat consistent, balanced meals to maintain the energy and focus you need. And make sure you stay hydrated, too.
7. Engage in a creative or fulfilling hobby
Hobbies can offer a welcome mental break while providing a sense of accomplishment and joy. Whether it’s gardening, painting, knitting, putting together a puzzle or something else entirely, even a small amount of time spent on a passion project can help you recharge.
8. Try journaling
Writing can be a great way to process your emotions, reduce stress and gain perspective. Take 10-15 minutes each day to journal about your feelings, experiences or thoughts. It doesn’t need to be structured; just write whatever comes to mind.
9. Consider therapy or counseling
A professional can help you work through your feelings, manage stress and gain insight into your caregiving experience. More specifically, an eating disorder specialist can help you navigate your unique situation, build resilience and develop coping strategies.
10. Be kind to yourself
Caregivers often experience guilt or burnout, so it’s important to give yourself grace. Remind yourself that it’s okay to take breaks and that you’re doing the best you can. If you feel you haven’t been perfect, remember that it’s normal to have ups and downs.
Helpful resources you can turn to
Knowing how to help a loved one with an eating disorder isn’t always clear or easy, but you don’t have to figure it out alone. There are resources that can help.
- Join a caregiver support group to connect with others who’ve been through similar experiences and can offer wisdom, practical ideas and invaluable support.
- Deepen your understanding of eating disorders by attending the Eating Recovery Center (ERC) Virtual Family & Friends Education series — a great resource covering everything from meal planning to effective communication.
- Attend ERC’s monthly presentations Eating Disorders 101 and Eating Disorders 201. Get an overview of what eating disorders are, how treatment works and what daily life looks like for someone who is struggling.
- Listen to supportive podcasts, like the Mental Note Podcast, for inspiring stories of hope and recovery.
- Read “The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook” by Kristin Neff, a great resource for helping you be as kind to yourself as you are to your loved one.
Healing takes time but is possible
It’s easy to feel you should know what to say to someone with an eating disorder to help them get better overnight. But recovery is a journey, not a destination. Remember:
- You’re not alone in this. It’s easy to feel isolated in moments of crisis, but there are so many people who’ve been through it and come out stronger.
- It’s okay to ask for help. This is too big to do alone. The road ahead can be challenging, and seeking guidance from experts, therapists or support groups isn’t a sign of weakness but rather a sign of strength and care.
- There is so much hope. Eating disorders, while incredibly painful, are treatable. People recover and go on to live full, meaningful lives. See real stories of healing.
If you or someone you love is struggling with an eating disorder, you don’t have to manage it alone. ERC provides care for all ages and all types of eating disorders. Call us at 866-622-5914 or reach out for a free assessment. It just takes one call to get started.
